The usual kernel of any good shitbox is an ounce of sensibility. Parts availability for old Mopar tat is tremendous, most old Japanese cars will run until the bodies rot off and while every electrical component on an old German car will fail, that won’t faze robust engines like BMW’s M30 inline-six and Volkswagen’s unstoppable two-liter eight-valve four-cylinder engine. Hell, I applied this logic when buying my 3-Series as parts are just so much cheaper than they were for my old Infiniti G35. But what if you want your car to attract more eyeballs than a zebra grazing on the side of I-80? What if you want it to be the automotive equivalent of playing LCD Soundsystem for the rock kids? Don’t worry, I have a ride for you so long as you abide by a few simple principles. First, despite our weekday format having a price cap, true shitboxes have no upper price limit. If a McLaren 570S was briefly parked in a small puddle that happened to come up to the windows, chances are it’s a shitbox. Second, the more distinctive you wish to be, the more work your shitbox will require. Whether spending a year on DuoLingo to build up enough Italian vocabulary to phone the offline Piedmontese farmer hoarding deadstock parts or accidentally setting yourself on fire with a Harbor Freight welder, this won’t be an easy process. However, like crate digging, cool things come to those who put in the hours. Let’s take a trip to my homeland of The Great White North and see what brilliant curiosities pop up.
$5,500 Canadian 1989 Citroen XM
Location: Montreal, Quebec Odometer reading: 325,604 kilometers Runs/drives? It definitely runs, but I wouldn’t drive it far. A 1989 Citroën XM project may be a financial decision on-par with trusting Bernie Madoff, but at least you’ll have a fabulous Bertone-styled wedge to drive around once your bank account is dry. Sure, the XM never drove out of Grace Jones’ head, but the follow-up act to the CX certainly wasn’t shabby. From the single-spoke steering wheel to the extra rear window behind the rear window, the XM bristles with Gallic charm. It was also the last big Citroën sold new in America, all the way through 1997 by way of importer CXAuto. However, that’s not to say that this particular XM didn’t come through the grey market.
$10,000 Canadian 1968 Riley Elf
Location: Hamilton, Ontario Odometer reading: 31,400 Runs/drives? No You may be thinking that I only threw this Riley Elf in the mix to make the Citroën look good, but bear with me. This rusty, trusty Mini-based sedan has more benefits than meets the eye. With a coachbuilt body by Fisher & Ludlow, the Elf was the poshest Mini variant you could buy off of a British Leyland forecourt in 1968. Not only did it offer a traditional sedan silhouette, it also featured the decadence of a full-width wood dashboard with dual gloveboxes. All the chrome and wood of an executive car with the brilliant handling of a Mini. What’s not to love? What we’re looking at here is a Mark III Elf with wind-up windows and hydrolastic suspension. It may not be as complex as Citroen’s Hydractive suspension, but at least it’s hydr-something. So here you go, two oddball European motors, both with their own foibles and delights. They’re perfect for the sort of person who uses Koss PortaPros, wore plastic-framed spectacles before they were mainstream again, and have a fixation on things both nostalgic and dramatic. While the Elf’s $10,000 Canadian ($7,741.90 at the time of writing) is almost double that of the XM’s, list price is only the down payment on any shitbox. What sort of brave are you feeling? Um, no. You mean two or four valves per cylinder (depending on which engine version), don’t you? To my knowledge, the engine fitted to the Honda NR750 motorcycle built from 1992 to 1993 is only non-racing engine to have eight valves per cylinder. This engine has oval-shaped pistons with two connecting rods, which allowed the space for eight valves. The highest number of valves per cylinder for the passenger car in production is five valves. Audi, Ferrari, and Toyota are amongst the manufacturers that offered them. Please amend your article. The Riley is just an ugly mini with some strange bits stuck on. Almost as overdone as a Mitsouka or something. English badge engineering at it’s worst. It’s very rare, but I would just go for the original Austin one. The Citroën is priced appropriately or a bit low. If I get an XM, I’m trading it for the first SM, CX or DS I can get my hands on, but I expect it would be an excellent first venture for someone who likes these things. Neither of these particularly float my boat, but based on looks, I’ll vote for the Citroën. Well, there’s a very interesting engine for which I’d like to see a tech writeup – or, a correction indicating it’s a 4-banger with two valves per cylinder and eight valves total… I want to like the Riley but I think I’d rather just have a proper Mini – especially for that kind of pricing and the fact that some joker put in the autotragic. The XM is an exotic temptress that would break my heart and I’d like it! Just… yikes. Both look too scary for me.
